Realisation...Recovery...Repent

The wound is still raw...it's only the second day...yes..things are difficult.I've cried till i'm tired..and has no more energy to cry cos i didn't eat...It's time..it was really time i wake up, sit up and starting thinking ahead.
I went to my colleague, kenny's place today, to let him help me with a Reiki Healing session. If you dunno what's Reiki healing, it's a buddhism teaching and believe to heal oneself. After the healing session, i felt different, i felt awake, i felt light, i felt that it's time to be true to myself. He lent me a couple of new age buddhist chant cd and i'm listening to it now as i'm typing. Listening to it really helps me feel light hearted and anger-free. He also lent me a book titled " Working with Anger", which teaches one how to be more patient and less angry. After the healing session, I felt that it's time to work on things, and face things that i've always escaped from and hide from. Things I have thought about and want to face it and to change...

1) Realising what I did wrong:
As i think back...I was really in the wrong...that caused all these to happen. If i were to just be more patient, understanding, and less tempremental, things would have been better. I start to think and realise that whenever I get angry and flare up, it actually hurts not only me, but everyone around me, especially the one who is very important and precious to me. I have indirectly passed on alot of negative angry energy to everyone, that reflects badly on me. I'm asking myself now, why was I like that? But i guess there's no point thinking back now, I have to think of how to manage my anger and temper, so that i won't hurt anyone anymore.

2) When I cry:
Yes I do cry alot, crying is the only way to make me release my stress or anger and will make me feel better. i cry not because i'm weak, but it is one way to make me feel better. I guess if i have really learnt to control my anger, crying would be one of my way out, but please do not think i'm weak. I realise now, that i'm wrong, and it's time i repent my sins, and change for the better. For my own good, for everyone's happiness.

3) Friends:
I have been someway or another, neglected my friends for the past 3 years. I have never confided in them whenever i quarrelled with my Bf of whenever i have problems. I kept on leaning back on my bf, which i guess has gave him more pressure cos i'm throwing back the problem at him. It was only through this incident, that i realised, i was so wrong to have neglected all my friends. They were very encouraging and supportive, including my colleagues, my boss! All of them said very encouraging words to support me. Even people who I least expected to console me, they showed alot of support and care and concern. I'm really touched...and grateful. I really know now, how important friends really are...as what Benny has always said to me. I realize...i was wrong..and it's time for me to repent my sins, which is to change for the better.

4) Not to care too much:
I've been caring too much about what people say or think about me, which causes me to be very pressured and negative. Even though alot of times, Benny or my friends would advise me not to think or care too much because some things are not as bad as i think it is. I think it's really time i have to learn to know how when to listen and when not to. to learn how to take things in a lighter manner. This should also help in surpressing my anger.

5) Why didn't i give him freedom?
I guess i was really in the wrong to not give him the freedom, which build alot of pressure and unhappiness in him. Relationship should be about mutual trust, mutual understanding, and accepting the other half for who he/she is. If i trusted him enough, i wouldn't have not given him the freedom he wants. I should respect him and give him the freedom, like how he respects me and gives me the freedom. I guess i really am in the wrong and I have to work on this. To trust, to understand and to let go a bit.

In a short time of 2 days, I have come to realise who are my true friends and who really cares about me. I really apologize for having neglected many of you and doubting you or not listenting to your advises. I would like to thank Erika, Jyun, BJ, Isaac and Quan, Janicia, Yvonne, Lynette, Kevin, Kenny, Lyn, Juliet, Andrew, Darren, Eugene G & S, Leslie, my parents, my sis and last but not least Benny. These people cared for me and was there for me. This is really the first time i've ever felt so cared for and so supported. I've really never known there were so many people who cares for me. I have never felt this before. I'm really touched and no words can describe how grateful I am. Thank you all. The only way i can show gratification would be for me to be strong, and not disappoint you all. Give me time, i will be better. I will stand up on my feet again and be strong.

Not forgetting Melvin, though initially i had difficulties getting along with him and dislikes him. But overtime, i have accepted him as a friend. And He also did play a role in telling me how Benny is feeling, what he wants and what he thinks. As i've just read from the "working with anger" book, it says that the people who are helping u to change and improve is your enemy, not God or Buddha. Buddha is always patient and nice. Enemies are the ones that are giving you chances and opportunity to learn to subdue and control your anger.

As i'm listening to the chant..this is what it says...
May i be free from enmity and danger
May i be free from mental suffering
May i be free from physical suffering
May i take care of myself happily
May my parents, teachers, relatives and friends, fellow dharma farers
Be free from Enmity and danger
Be free from mental suffering
be free from physical suffering
May they take care of themselves happily