Going Wrong

Everything seems to be going wrong in my life...nothing seems to be right...nothing at all. Family, Work, Love, Money....

A series of unfortunate events...one after another...since 2006...I'm totally devastated... drained... bashed... wasted... hurt... overwhelmed... can't think of any other words to describe how I feel and the state I'm in now.

Of cos...I know I have to be strong...hang in there...be optimistic...be positive...look forward to new beginnings... see the light at the end of the tunnel...look on the bright side. I've done all these...I've been very strong...I've been putting up a strong, happy and brave front in front of people...but deep inside I feel really lonely and depressed...a really heavy and sadened heart that has been wanting to cry and let it all out but not able to do so.
I've been "acting" and keeping strong to the point of not being able to see or feel myself... can't release my sadness...in simple terms...I've bottled up all my sadness and anger and I'm going to explode (go crazy) soon if I don't start doing something about it!

I used to be a cry baby when I was younger...I cry over little things...over anything...but now...it just seems so hard for me to cry...I wonder why...could be I've been stronger and I've changed.

People always see me as a cheerful bubbly jovial person...in fact...some people also see me as a wild party animal...and dun see me as the homely and filial type. But in true fact...I'm really sad and empty inside me...and i'm really not that wild...and I love to stay home and spend time with my parents... but people just don't see it that way....how sad...

Again and again...massive blows of unfortunate happenings keeps on pushing my knees back down to the hard stone cold ground...after putting in much effort standing up on both feet happily and contented. It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to get out of it. I know this is part and parcel of life...ups and downs are the norm...and I'll just feel the seriousness and experience it harder as I mature. But really... what's wrong with me... is it me or is it my life...I just can't seem to find the source of the problems I'm encountering and facing. I am really just a sincere and easily contented person...who does not greed! Why do I have to be put through all these tough challenges and obstacles?

I guess it's time for me to go for my meditation session to release all that's in the bottle. I want to be happy again...I want to smile again...I want to be free again...