I AM...28 now... Happy Birthday to myself..
It's my birthday today but i'm totally not in the mood...not in the mood to celebrate or do anything...and I don't feel happy at all...after all that has happened around me...
I received a really great present from my buddy and boss (buddy's wife), a Juicy Couture handbag!!! Boss wanted me to take off or even time off on my birthday but I refused. I have nothing to do and no where to go...how sad rite. LOL...
So I choose to work...keep myself busy...drown myself in work.
Wanted to have a big celebration this year...thought of celebrating on a yatch at sentosa 1 degree 15...cos of 3 reasons...28th year, 28 is the chinese symbolic number of a rooster, and my birthday on the 28th. But....really...not in the right situation and mood to have such a big celebration... financially can't afford too!!! LOL
He didn't know it's my bd...cos I didn't tell him...cos he didn't ask...so I never told. I wanted to end it...cos the r/s is really stagnant...nothing is happening at all...and I really mean nothing...so I thought I should move on...and I dun want to feel sad on my bd...so I thought I should end it with him..just the day before my bd...which I did...Hope it's going to stay this way...but i kinda feel upset ending it just like that... and he's also upset...he claims that he dun like to feeling of knowing that he's not with me...sweet talking again i suppose. ARGH!!!
Apart from this r/s problem...there's many other problems why i'm feeling down and moody...not just cos of this silly r/s...but i'm just hanging in there now...seriously drowning myself in work and work and work.
Can't wait to unwind with my pals this fri... and can't wait for national day.. Progressions with SVR at powerhouse...omg...can't wait to trancing trancing again!!!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Time To Rest
Finally had time to rest today...after working full force at Nana's for 4 days. My new and stable job at Far East as a retail asst manager. Totally drained physically...can't even feel my toes...but got great sense of achievement and I enjoy doing what i'm doing. Lazed at home the whole day today...on my new sofa and watching tv. So shiok. Totally rested my feet and legs.
I worked almost 11 hours a day... totally no time and energy for other activities...and kinda start to feel a little numb and giving up on the r/s...since we're both so busy and have no time for each other at all...and he played me out...didn't even inform me if he could go watch OTOT with me... ended up in a really embarrassed and awkward situation... how sad...how silly...
That's why I decided that he's so impossible and ended the r/s with him. That's when he starts to get upset and starts giving me the attention again...and claims that he really wants to be with me...just that he really can't afford the time... WTF... and so we're back to square one again...this seems like a never ending game...when is this ever going to end? ??!!! ARGH!!!!
We talked...and we both realised that we both feel alot for each other...but deep down inside knowing that it's impossible for us to be together...for many reasons... cos we're both too busy...and cos he's not able to accept me for who I am..my nightlife..my social networking activities...
But we're still together now... I seriously dunno for what reason... why are we both not willing to let go...is he really serious or whatever he says is just sweet nothings that is messing with my mind and heart again....
Was too free had nothing to do at home today so had so much time to think of all these nonsense....but when at work... I was so occupied with work and feeling tired I dun even think of this...I just let it be...So can't wait to get back to work tomorrow. And so looking forward to busy weekend to hit the sales target...
But I do miss him too... :(
I worked almost 11 hours a day... totally no time and energy for other activities...and kinda start to feel a little numb and giving up on the r/s...since we're both so busy and have no time for each other at all...and he played me out...didn't even inform me if he could go watch OTOT with me... ended up in a really embarrassed and awkward situation... how sad...how silly...
That's why I decided that he's so impossible and ended the r/s with him. That's when he starts to get upset and starts giving me the attention again...and claims that he really wants to be with me...just that he really can't afford the time... WTF... and so we're back to square one again...this seems like a never ending game...when is this ever going to end? ??!!! ARGH!!!!
We talked...and we both realised that we both feel alot for each other...but deep down inside knowing that it's impossible for us to be together...for many reasons... cos we're both too busy...and cos he's not able to accept me for who I am..my nightlife..my social networking activities...
But we're still together now... I seriously dunno for what reason... why are we both not willing to let go...is he really serious or whatever he says is just sweet nothings that is messing with my mind and heart again....
Was too free had nothing to do at home today so had so much time to think of all these nonsense....but when at work... I was so occupied with work and feeling tired I dun even think of this...I just let it be...So can't wait to get back to work tomorrow. And so looking forward to busy weekend to hit the sales target...
But I do miss him too... :(
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Always A Fool
I've always been a fool...as always...when it comes to... relationship.
I'm in a so-called relationship (r/s)...a supposedly serious r/s but doesn't seems like a r/s at all. The same guy mentioned in the earlier posts. He claims he is serious bout the r/s and he likes me alot...but yet...I don't seem to feel it or see it at all! We meet only once a week cos he claims he is really busy busy busy with work and tired tired tired from work. Oh what a lousy but yet useful excuse! He's really responsible and serious at work...but that places me the back of his mind and the least important on his list! He hardly calls me or sms me. But he expects me to sms and msn him! He gets upset when I don't sms him or msn him the entire day...but yet he has a habbit of not replying my sms and I'm not suppose to get mad or question him! How selfish! Oh well ok he didn't say i'm not allowed to question him...but I hate to question him cos I find it irritating myself too!
He is a devil...but he really makes me smile from the heart...from deep within...and when i'm with him...I'm really in cloud 9...but when we go our seperate ways after our date...I would start to feel sour and worry and...feel sad all over again...
True enough...I do not trust him enough...just as I dun trust any other guys...cos i've really seen too much negative stuffs going on...
I've been very pessimistic...I must admit and agree...cos of my past experiences and what I see and know around me. I'm not trying to find excuses for him or trying to cover up...just like the movie "he's just not that into you"...but..i guess it's really just not fair that...I'm always doubting him...and for being so pessimistic about everything and this r/s.
I'm starting to try to be more optimistic about this r/s...trying to have faith in this r/s...trying to believe that he is really serious about this r/s...but yet... action really speaks louder than words...I'm just waiting for the day he would really show his sincererity and seriousness. I seriously dunno how far this can go...cos his expectations of me seems to be quite high. He expects me to quit clubbing...and be a stay home girl...I know these are ridiculous and unreasonable request...but yet his request is really for my own good if I were to really think deep and analyze them.
I'm really puzzled and lost as to how much faith and effort I should put into this r/s. Of cos I do like him alot...otherwise I would have just let go and move on. However...part of me tells me that it's really time to settle down and not be that playful and wild me anymore...but that's just really me...why can't he just accept me for who I am and we both meet in the middle to try to work things out...if we really like each other enough.
I'm really lost and puzzled...really in dilemma...and don't seem to have the courage to let go of this r/s and move on...which the other side of me tells me that I should just let go and I'll be happier. I've been quite miserable and upset eversince this r/s started...only time I'm happy is when we're out dating. This is not good... this is terrible... how long can I tolerate this...how far can this go... why am I always a fool... :(
I'm in a so-called relationship (r/s)...a supposedly serious r/s but doesn't seems like a r/s at all. The same guy mentioned in the earlier posts. He claims he is serious bout the r/s and he likes me alot...but yet...I don't seem to feel it or see it at all! We meet only once a week cos he claims he is really busy busy busy with work and tired tired tired from work. Oh what a lousy but yet useful excuse! He's really responsible and serious at work...but that places me the back of his mind and the least important on his list! He hardly calls me or sms me. But he expects me to sms and msn him! He gets upset when I don't sms him or msn him the entire day...but yet he has a habbit of not replying my sms and I'm not suppose to get mad or question him! How selfish! Oh well ok he didn't say i'm not allowed to question him...but I hate to question him cos I find it irritating myself too!
He is a devil...but he really makes me smile from the heart...from deep within...and when i'm with him...I'm really in cloud 9...but when we go our seperate ways after our date...I would start to feel sour and worry and...feel sad all over again...
True enough...I do not trust him enough...just as I dun trust any other guys...cos i've really seen too much negative stuffs going on...
I've been very pessimistic...I must admit and agree...cos of my past experiences and what I see and know around me. I'm not trying to find excuses for him or trying to cover up...just like the movie "he's just not that into you"...but..i guess it's really just not fair that...I'm always doubting him...and for being so pessimistic about everything and this r/s.
I'm starting to try to be more optimistic about this r/s...trying to have faith in this r/s...trying to believe that he is really serious about this r/s...but yet... action really speaks louder than words...I'm just waiting for the day he would really show his sincererity and seriousness. I seriously dunno how far this can go...cos his expectations of me seems to be quite high. He expects me to quit clubbing...and be a stay home girl...I know these are ridiculous and unreasonable request...but yet his request is really for my own good if I were to really think deep and analyze them.
I'm really puzzled and lost as to how much faith and effort I should put into this r/s. Of cos I do like him alot...otherwise I would have just let go and move on. However...part of me tells me that it's really time to settle down and not be that playful and wild me anymore...but that's just really me...why can't he just accept me for who I am and we both meet in the middle to try to work things out...if we really like each other enough.
I'm really lost and puzzled...really in dilemma...and don't seem to have the courage to let go of this r/s and move on...which the other side of me tells me that I should just let go and I'll be happier. I've been quite miserable and upset eversince this r/s started...only time I'm happy is when we're out dating. This is not good... this is terrible... how long can I tolerate this...how far can this go... why am I always a fool... :(
Going Wrong
Everything seems to be going wrong in my life...nothing seems to be right...nothing at all. Family, Work, Love, Money....
A series of unfortunate events...one after another...since 2006...I'm totally devastated... drained... bashed... wasted... hurt... overwhelmed... can't think of any other words to describe how I feel and the state I'm in now.
Of cos...I know I have to be strong...hang in there...be optimistic...be positive...look forward to new beginnings... see the light at the end of the tunnel...look on the bright side. I've done all these...I've been very strong...I've been putting up a strong, happy and brave front in front of people...but deep inside I feel really lonely and depressed...a really heavy and sadened heart that has been wanting to cry and let it all out but not able to do so.
I've been "acting" and keeping strong to the point of not being able to see or feel myself... can't release my sadness...in simple terms...I've bottled up all my sadness and anger and I'm going to explode (go crazy) soon if I don't start doing something about it!
I used to be a cry baby when I was younger...I cry over little things...over anything...but now...it just seems so hard for me to cry...I wonder why...could be I've been stronger and I've changed.
People always see me as a cheerful bubbly jovial person...in fact...some people also see me as a wild party animal...and dun see me as the homely and filial type. But in true fact...I'm really sad and empty inside me...and i'm really not that wild...and I love to stay home and spend time with my parents... but people just don't see it that way....how sad...
Again and again...massive blows of unfortunate happenings keeps on pushing my knees back down to the hard stone cold ground...after putting in much effort standing up on both feet happily and contented. It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to get out of it. I know this is part and parcel of life...ups and downs are the norm...and I'll just feel the seriousness and experience it harder as I mature. But really... what's wrong with me... is it me or is it my life...I just can't seem to find the source of the problems I'm encountering and facing. I am really just a sincere and easily contented person...who does not greed! Why do I have to be put through all these tough challenges and obstacles?
I guess it's time for me to go for my meditation session to release all that's in the bottle. I want to be happy again...I want to smile again...I want to be free again...
A series of unfortunate events...one after another...since 2006...I'm totally devastated... drained... bashed... wasted... hurt... overwhelmed... can't think of any other words to describe how I feel and the state I'm in now.
Of cos...I know I have to be strong...hang in there...be optimistic...be positive...look forward to new beginnings... see the light at the end of the tunnel...look on the bright side. I've done all these...I've been very strong...I've been putting up a strong, happy and brave front in front of people...but deep inside I feel really lonely and depressed...a really heavy and sadened heart that has been wanting to cry and let it all out but not able to do so.
I've been "acting" and keeping strong to the point of not being able to see or feel myself... can't release my sadness...in simple terms...I've bottled up all my sadness and anger and I'm going to explode (go crazy) soon if I don't start doing something about it!
I used to be a cry baby when I was younger...I cry over little things...over anything...but now...it just seems so hard for me to cry...I wonder why...could be I've been stronger and I've changed.
People always see me as a cheerful bubbly jovial person...in fact...some people also see me as a wild party animal...and dun see me as the homely and filial type. But in true fact...I'm really sad and empty inside me...and i'm really not that wild...and I love to stay home and spend time with my parents... but people just don't see it that way....how sad...
Again and again...massive blows of unfortunate happenings keeps on pushing my knees back down to the hard stone cold ground...after putting in much effort standing up on both feet happily and contented. It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to get out of it. I know this is part and parcel of life...ups and downs are the norm...and I'll just feel the seriousness and experience it harder as I mature. But really... what's wrong with me... is it me or is it my life...I just can't seem to find the source of the problems I'm encountering and facing. I am really just a sincere and easily contented person...who does not greed! Why do I have to be put through all these tough challenges and obstacles?
I guess it's time for me to go for my meditation session to release all that's in the bottle. I want to be happy again...I want to smile again...I want to be free again...
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