Tranquility

Whoa...it's been more than a year since I last blogged!
I have so much going on in my mind and my life...and as usual... I don't really like to talk about it...been bottling up all my problems...maybe that's the cause of me looking properous...or rather..bloated.

Life has been better this year, in a few ways, but time really flies. 2010 is almost gone in a few days time. I finally have a stable job, been with the co for 15 months already.

Love life has never been easy for me, what's new anyways, it's always the case.
But since I have chosen this path to be with him, I have learnt to be stronger and wiser in many ways, endurance level has gotten better too. We've been together for 16 months, unbellievable. Many didn't think we would even last a year. I know I am being silly and not being practical, choosing this path to be with a thai. But the most important thing that kept this R/S going on is his pure heart and sincerity.

I have been in a state of tranquility lately...my mind and soul so calm and peaceful...still...stagnant...quiet. I have been alone alot lately. I hate to admit this but I'm feeling lonely. My tranquil mind, or am I lonely? The feelings are mixed up. I'm kept busy, I have endless things to do, had the x'mas party to plan, but at the end of the day, I end the night in lonely tranquility. I know this is just a little phase everyone will go through once in a while. I don't know if this is just a passing phase for me or is this a wake up call. If this is a wake up call, I want to know what's that something I need to work on. I am very sure there is something that I need to make some adjustments to, but part of me is in denial, not wanting to face the music or to know what is really wrong with me.

Who can tell me what is wrong with me? who do i want to hear it from so it won't hurt that much?

So many things has happened this year, both good and bad, losing friends, living in denial.
It's really time for a big change, but what is it that I have to do, to be happy again.
Am I happy? Or am I just living in denial. I feel like it's a mix of both.
I can't deny i want something more than what I have now. I am starting to feel I need more and can't settle for too little. I'm starting to feel i can't continue living in a perpetual lie, deceiving my self and pretending to be happy. I need to find my true soul, my true heart. I felt i have lost myself, I don't feel my existence in myself, or with my friends.

Am i just feeling too tired to be feeling all these negativity, or is this all that i'm experiencing a genuine encounter.

He has been too busy working, he hardly have time for me. I hardly see my friends, I don't know why. Do i choose to be alone, or am i being neglected.

X'mas party was a 80% success, and followed by a failure Ferry Corsten session at zouk on xmas day. Then followed by alot of sleep. I didn't really get any nice present either. Is this a great x'mas? Or is it just my lonely neglected heart feeling cynical.

My heart and mind and soul is in such a state of tranquility, i almost feel like a lifeless zombie that just wants to sleep and do not want to be disturbed.
At the end of the day, I would be walking from the bus stop to home like a cold cold soul.
I just want peace and quiet...