I AM

I AM...28 now... Happy Birthday to myself..
It's my birthday today but i'm totally not in the mood...not in the mood to celebrate or do anything...and I don't feel happy at all...after all that has happened around me...

I received a really great present from my buddy and boss (buddy's wife), a Juicy Couture handbag!!! Boss wanted me to take off or even time off on my birthday but I refused. I have nothing to do and no where to go...how sad rite. LOL...
So I choose to work...keep myself busy...drown myself in work.

Wanted to have a big celebration this year...thought of celebrating on a yatch at sentosa 1 degree 15...cos of 3 reasons...28th year, 28 is the chinese symbolic number of a rooster, and my birthday on the 28th. But....really...not in the right situation and mood to have such a big celebration... financially can't afford too!!! LOL

He didn't know it's my bd...cos I didn't tell him...cos he didn't ask...so I never told. I wanted to end it...cos the r/s is really stagnant...nothing is happening at all...and I really mean nothing...so I thought I should move on...and I dun want to feel sad on my bd...so I thought I should end it with him..just the day before my bd...which I did...Hope it's going to stay this way...but i kinda feel upset ending it just like that... and he's also upset...he claims that he dun like to feeling of knowing that he's not with me...sweet talking again i suppose. ARGH!!!

Apart from this r/s problem...there's many other problems why i'm feeling down and moody...not just cos of this silly r/s...but i'm just hanging in there now...seriously drowning myself in work and work and work.
Can't wait to unwind with my pals this fri... and can't wait for national day.. Progressions with SVR at powerhouse...omg...can't wait to trancing trancing again!!!

Time To Rest

Finally had time to rest today...after working full force at Nana's for 4 days. My new and stable job at Far East as a retail asst manager. Totally drained physically...can't even feel my toes...but got great sense of achievement and I enjoy doing what i'm doing. Lazed at home the whole day today...on my new sofa and watching tv. So shiok. Totally rested my feet and legs.

I worked almost 11 hours a day... totally no time and energy for other activities...and kinda start to feel a little numb and giving up on the r/s...since we're both so busy and have no time for each other at all...and he played me out...didn't even inform me if he could go watch OTOT with me... ended up in a really embarrassed and awkward situation... how sad...how silly...
That's why I decided that he's so impossible and ended the r/s with him. That's when he starts to get upset and starts giving me the attention again...and claims that he really wants to be with me...just that he really can't afford the time... WTF... and so we're back to square one again...this seems like a never ending game...when is this ever going to end? ??!!! ARGH!!!!

We talked...and we both realised that we both feel alot for each other...but deep down inside knowing that it's impossible for us to be together...for many reasons... cos we're both too busy...and cos he's not able to accept me for who I am..my nightlife..my social networking activities...
But we're still together now... I seriously dunno for what reason... why are we both not willing to let go...is he really serious or whatever he says is just sweet nothings that is messing with my mind and heart again....

Was too free had nothing to do at home today so had so much time to think of all these nonsense....but when at work... I was so occupied with work and feeling tired I dun even think of this...I just let it be...So can't wait to get back to work tomorrow. And so looking forward to busy weekend to hit the sales target...
But I do miss him too... :(

Always A Fool

I've always been a fool...as always...when it comes to... relationship.

I'm in a so-called relationship (r/s)...a supposedly serious r/s but doesn't seems like a r/s at all. The same guy mentioned in the earlier posts. He claims he is serious bout the r/s and he likes me alot...but yet...I don't seem to feel it or see it at all! We meet only once a week cos he claims he is really busy busy busy with work and tired tired tired from work. Oh what a lousy but yet useful excuse! He's really responsible and serious at work...but that places me the back of his mind and the least important on his list! He hardly calls me or sms me. But he expects me to sms and msn him! He gets upset when I don't sms him or msn him the entire day...but yet he has a habbit of not replying my sms and I'm not suppose to get mad or question him! How selfish! Oh well ok he didn't say i'm not allowed to question him...but I hate to question him cos I find it irritating myself too!

He is a devil...but he really makes me smile from the heart...from deep within...and when i'm with him...I'm really in cloud 9...but when we go our seperate ways after our date...I would start to feel sour and worry and...feel sad all over again...

True enough...I do not trust him enough...just as I dun trust any other guys...cos i've really seen too much negative stuffs going on...
I've been very pessimistic...I must admit and agree...cos of my past experiences and what I see and know around me. I'm not trying to find excuses for him or trying to cover up...just like the movie "he's just not that into you"...but..i guess it's really just not fair that...I'm always doubting him...and for being so pessimistic about everything and this r/s.

I'm starting to try to be more optimistic about this r/s...trying to have faith in this r/s...trying to believe that he is really serious about this r/s...but yet... action really speaks louder than words...I'm just waiting for the day he would really show his sincererity and seriousness. I seriously dunno how far this can go...cos his expectations of me seems to be quite high. He expects me to quit clubbing...and be a stay home girl...I know these are ridiculous and unreasonable request...but yet his request is really for my own good if I were to really think deep and analyze them.

I'm really puzzled and lost as to how much faith and effort I should put into this r/s. Of cos I do like him alot...otherwise I would have just let go and move on. However...part of me tells me that it's really time to settle down and not be that playful and wild me anymore...but that's just really me...why can't he just accept me for who I am and we both meet in the middle to try to work things out...if we really like each other enough.

I'm really lost and puzzled...really in dilemma...and don't seem to have the courage to let go of this r/s and move on...which the other side of me tells me that I should just let go and I'll be happier. I've been quite miserable and upset eversince this r/s started...only time I'm happy is when we're out dating. This is not good... this is terrible... how long can I tolerate this...how far can this go... why am I always a fool... :(

Going Wrong

Everything seems to be going wrong in my life...nothing seems to be right...nothing at all. Family, Work, Love, Money....

A series of unfortunate events...one after another...since 2006...I'm totally devastated... drained... bashed... wasted... hurt... overwhelmed... can't think of any other words to describe how I feel and the state I'm in now.

Of cos...I know I have to be strong...hang in there...be optimistic...be positive...look forward to new beginnings... see the light at the end of the tunnel...look on the bright side. I've done all these...I've been very strong...I've been putting up a strong, happy and brave front in front of people...but deep inside I feel really lonely and depressed...a really heavy and sadened heart that has been wanting to cry and let it all out but not able to do so.
I've been "acting" and keeping strong to the point of not being able to see or feel myself... can't release my sadness...in simple terms...I've bottled up all my sadness and anger and I'm going to explode (go crazy) soon if I don't start doing something about it!

I used to be a cry baby when I was younger...I cry over little things...over anything...but now...it just seems so hard for me to cry...I wonder why...could be I've been stronger and I've changed.

People always see me as a cheerful bubbly jovial person...in fact...some people also see me as a wild party animal...and dun see me as the homely and filial type. But in true fact...I'm really sad and empty inside me...and i'm really not that wild...and I love to stay home and spend time with my parents... but people just don't see it that way....how sad...

Again and again...massive blows of unfortunate happenings keeps on pushing my knees back down to the hard stone cold ground...after putting in much effort standing up on both feet happily and contented. It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to get out of it. I know this is part and parcel of life...ups and downs are the norm...and I'll just feel the seriousness and experience it harder as I mature. But really... what's wrong with me... is it me or is it my life...I just can't seem to find the source of the problems I'm encountering and facing. I am really just a sincere and easily contented person...who does not greed! Why do I have to be put through all these tough challenges and obstacles?

I guess it's time for me to go for my meditation session to release all that's in the bottle. I want to be happy again...I want to smile again...I want to be free again...

Friendzone & Intricacy

Yet another weekend of fun and laughter with my dear friends!!!

Had a great nite at Zirca with Jon O'Bir last nite (sat 13th June 09)...with Kenny, Darren and Charles. Great tracks...not so packed (like Zouk) but I was damn tired and drained from FLEA FLY FLO FUN at F1 Pit Building earlier in the day. Didn't even manage to sell enough to cover my rental cost. Luckily we split one table's rental of $65 between 4 pax. LOL. There were just too many vendors...200 of them... and I think there seems to be more vendors than shoppers. LOL.

Anyways.. our we had our very first OUTDOOR HEALTHY LIFESTYLE outing at East Coast Park today, with Kenny, Roger, Marilyn, Rong, Jyun, Sabbie, Niki and Steven! Quite good attendance for a first time :) All of us cycled but Jyun, Niki and Steven blade. After 1 and half hour of cycling and blading, we continued with 2 games of bowling. Then had Kenny Rogers for dinner.

Silly things that happened today:
- I was rushing out cos was already late to meet the pals at ECP, i wore 2 different slippers and only realised it when I got off the bus at Marine Terrace. LOL. Lucky Kenny lived nearby so went up to change slippers.
- Steven shuffles his way and slip and fell on the bowling lane...nice one.
- My bowling ball fell backwards.
- Kenny missed his strike cos steven shouted out his name loudly to distract him.

Lastly...I know he's a bastard...but seriously I do miss him..and am still thinking of him. I deleted him from my msn..so I won't feel upset when I see him online. Before I deleted him..he doesn't msn me. After I deleted him...he started to msn me..What is he trying to do? He say he does miss me..he's confusing me..he's toying with my feelings... I tot i've already set my heart and mind to move on. But whatever he is doing now...it is intricate when..he keeps coming back into my life...and disheartens my heart and soul...damn...I wonder how long this is gonna last...

Intruder...

This blardy intruder...came into my life... and wrecked my ship!!!
Argh!!! I hate monday blues and on top of this... clearing up this stupid mess inside my heart and soul and mind!!!

Silly things I did when I fell into his farking trap!

- spent lots on international call and sms with him while I was in melacca.
- Did french mani and pedi and in sweet baby pink and white colour..cos he said we're having dinner with him and his friends...baby pink and white...SO NOT ME MAN!!! ARGH!!! TOO SWEET!!!
- skipped 2 days of work getting over this farker...
- even considered to quit clubbing just so to suit his requirements... (am never gonna change myself for anyone..not this way)
- was stupidly in cloud 9...when it was a mishaps more than a sweet bliss
- naively believed his sweet nothings...and stupidly trusted him...
- think this is enuf of silly things done in 2 weeks..there are more but not to be mentioned... REALLY STUPID BITCH!!!

I know it all happened to soon, and good that it ended fast enough too.. so that I won't get too deeply hurt....cos I'm an emo bitch who gets hurt very easily... ARGH!!! I feel so manipulated and deceived and blah blah blah! Shit ass experience...

Everytime when i'm happy being alone...up on my feet standing tall...some asshole has to come into my life and spoil everything...and I have to start fresh all over again... it's such a terrible vicious cycle that keeps on repeating and repeating... to the point that.. I seriously dunno what's wrong and how to handle it... argh...i'm lost...

Thanks to all those out there..who has indirectly made me a stronger person... and thanks friends for staying by my side see and listen to me cry and go with me through tough times... I'll be ok in no time..and stronger!!!

Walk Away

In within a short 2 weeks, so many thing has happened. At the end of it, is yet another closure of a new chatper...a chapter of many bizarre ups and downs... time to walk away...

Kenny and I ended the month of Trancing MAYhem...trancing away at 2 days of FREEDOM at Melecca...with a group of new people..who we unfortunatly couldn't really bond well with...10 of us went up to Melacca, A Famosa, in a mini van...with seats half the size of what u can enjoy on Five Star Travels or Grasslands coaches. But we get to have the mini van all to ourselves to transport around for the entire 3 days trip. All 10 of us squeezed in the mini van but somehow had sufficient space in the 3 bedroom villa at A Famosa. Of cos, can't be compared to the one at Sentosa Amara Sanctuary. And for some reason... I got to sleep on the KING SIZE BED in the masterbedroom... all to myself...for both nights!!! WOOHOO!!!! :D And no I didn't pay more..paid the same as everyone else :p Lots of ups and downs during this trip...but then again can't complain or expect much when u're out with a group of 10. So...the next time if such trip is going to happen... it has to be with people who we know or are close with or are ok travelling with...such as...D & F... S & N... P & P... blah blah blah...

FREEDOM:
- Large party venue, with theme-park joy rides...and food stalls (KFC...hotdogs...ice water at RM7 for one big cup)..ample space for people to walk...ample tables and chairs set up for people to sit and eat.
- NO ALCOHOL SOLD AT ALL at the party vicinity... so first nite there...we were all not high enough...
- Very big main stage set up... which cannot be compared at all to Zoukout's main stage...
- Fantabulous awesome generous lazer show! OMFG!!!
- Ferry Corsten's MADE OF LOVE with Betsie Larkin singing live was an awesome one! It almost felt like what I see in ARMIN / Tiesto's DVD.
- Wasn't crowded at all..I feel..as compared to Zoukout...definitely not more than 5000 pax I suppose... cos I dun seem to have problem finding our own people... and there's lots of space to walk around...
- The "merry-go-round" joyride was a good one..really pumped up the adrenaline...good enuf to get the party started..then head over to the main stage...
- Overall... good experience cos it was my first time attending an overseas gig...but how I wish 100% of my heart and soul was there with me...cos it was not...

Bizarre Ups and Downs:
Met someone new...who played mind games...cheated my feelings...who expects me to change my lifestyle for him...wanted me to quit clubbing!!!
If one is to change his / her lifestyle..then that someone will lose her original personalities and unique characteristics which represents who they are. So I have come to realise that...it's not right the right way!!! And his sweet nothings and mind games almost made me fall for his silly trap!
In within 2 weeks... a bizarre love...or should I call it..bizarre mishaps... I shall not go too much into details...but overall..SHITTY EXPERIENCE!!!
Silly me took more than required time to snap out of this whole shitty situation! But at least I've finally woken up...yet another fantabulous experience which made me stronger and wiser...and eyes open much much much bigger...

It's time to walk away...

Together We Rise

It was yet another hectic week... all cos of the busy schedule with dance practice. We had to perform for AsiaSoft's game fest cum IT show at Suntec Convention on Fri and Sat nite. We had to perform for the dancing game Audition... to one of the Audition's song by our very own JJ Lin...

At the dance practice, there were plenty of hiccups, arguements, disagreements...but of cos there was also fun laughter and joy.. all thanks to Shirley...super lamer joker..LOL. It was really hard work. We manage to pull through something reasonable to be performed on stage at a convention hall, within 2 weeks. And to think that many of us, in fact all of us, has not performed for almost 5 years. Good job ladies..really... credit goes to all 6 of us... All the hard work and effort is recognised. Well done. Group hug...3 cheers. TOGETHER WE RISE!!! Hope there will be another chance to perform together again.. Cos i really miss those performing and bonding days... those were the days..when I was much younger... like..err.. 21, 22? LOL. I'm glad my old bones are still quite HAPPENING!!! cos keeping it up with clubbing and partying...WOOHOO

A&B @ Zouk on 23rd May was good. But damn blardy packed!! even more packed than Markus Schulz and Armin!!! Was contemplating to either go FUEL to check out a new party venue (F1 pit warehouse), or to A&B..but of cos..A&B more impt...lol. And since Jyun and Sabbie chose A&B @ Zouk..so I went with the flow. :D Lucky went to zouk...cos I bumped into someone (one of my ex) who I lost touch with for 5 years already! We were glad to see each other cos he has been trying to contact me but my number changed..so..yah... we're in touch again now... heehee...

I finally get to stay home and rest the entire sunday!!! WOOHOO!!! NEEDED IT SO BADLY!!!
Was watching a Thai horror with my dad... dunno what title also..bought it from JB. I realised...i can get a super good laugh if i'm farking stress, or even if i wanna tighten my abs..by watching thai dvd. Cos..THE SUBTITLES ARE JUST TOO DAMN FUNNY!!! It never made sense and I wonder they direct translated from what language. It really gave me a good laugh.. and plus with my dad adding salt and pepper...it made things even funnier... LOL...

Had a good sunday rest :D Yeah!!!

Rush Hour

argh....been so busy!!! This entire week had been an overwhemingly busy and tiring one...I'm so busy I feel like crying!!!

So busy with work, helping out at Nana's shop at Far East, and dance practice...can die...my whole body has been aching for days already. No proper sleep every night due to physically tired but mentally awake and I guess cos of overdose of coffee too... argh... and I'm just gonna get more and more busy over the next 2 weeks, till end of May!!!

Finally... the 2 days FREEDOM trip to Meleka has been booked. paid. confirmed. And Kenny has finally made up his blardy mind to go...and for both days...after much convincing...

Attended the PINK DOT event yesterday...and of cos..i dressed pink...and so did 95% others...it was sorta like a gay appreciation day...though the event was nothing fantastic but it was meaningful. It kinda opened up the minds of the public...to love freely. There was this banner that actually says " Do Not Judge A Book By It's Colour" so this event also kinda promotes "Love all colors and races and gender"...
There was traditional performances of different ethnic groups and new generation groups. PInk Lion Dance, Malay Diki Barat, Bhangra Dance...and there was the SingaBore version of PussyCatDolls garnered lots of attention and cheers and whistles. There was also this other grp of chinese...about 10 people I think... performed NOBODY...quite well done I must say. Lastly..the limelight of the event...is for everyone to stand together to form a PINK DOT..as the photographer takes a picture of us up from Furama HOtel...and all to sing the theme song LOVE LOVE LOVE toghether...
About 2500 people supported...so PINK DOT was a SUCCESS!!!
Hip Hip..Hurray! Hip Hip...Hurray!! Hip Hip...Hurray!!!

So much to say but i'm too tired to continue...
i'm desperate for "myself time"...argh...

Come 2 - Gether

Another weekend of friends coming together to paint the town red and celebrate meaningful occasions.

Saturday:
Markus Schulz @ Zouk on sat nite ( 9th May) was great. But sadly and such a waste that I was too high and lost to really notice his set! But I heard he was good lah. But at least I heard him playing New World...

Glad that many friends (Kenny, Steven, Niki, Kevin, Jyun, Lawrence, Jelvis, Kelvin & Friend, Jason) were there... good company is always the most important factor to a good party!!! First time I clubbed with 8 jugs on a small little round table!!! I was so high and lost, so was Kenny, that I didn't recall alot of things...didn't recall alot of the photos taken...

We bumped into Chris Han (as always...seems fated to bump into him) and he treated kenny and I to lychee martini at wine bar...and plus a little shot of COWBOY recommended by Niki and Steven...after that...Kenny and I was ..really LOST LOST LOST & HIGH HIGH HIGH!!! Heard from Jyun that I was just laughing silly and talking silly...and...smiling all the way...but not drunk...just really super overwhelmingly HIGH. And Kenny was really just stoning and stoning and stoning..cos he said he low batt...Heard from Lawrence that he was really lost and puked a couple of times...lol...poor Lawrence...

After wine bar we head back to our table at zouk. I even went up to Joshua (the guy from the ping pong 9pm show on channel 8) and asked him if he was the ping pong show guy..and asked to take photo with him... and he was nice enuf to entertain me and kenny. LOL. cos he was kinda sharing table with us towards the end...around 3++am....so... daring and thick skin me went ahead to embarrass myself further.

Overall..it was a fantabulous night lah. Next one to come is Above & Beyond on 23rd May @ Zouk..hope it'll be a better one...

Sunday:
Mother's day...had simple lunch with my parents, cos we didn't wanna spend too much on those mother's day gimmick set meals...

Since Lush's and Bubu's birthday is on 12th May which falls on a Tuesday...so Kenny and I kinda did a little celebration at K-9 Culture after lunching with parents. Kenny's family and relatives were there too. We bought small little birthday cake for the dogs, and it's PURPLE in color...think it's blueberry flavour cos I ate a small little piece of it, and it tastes good!!! LOL. Dun worry it's all made of natural ingredients that's edible by human...
We ordered quite alot of finger food, such as chicken nuggest, friend onion rings, pizza, chicken wings...I would say they all taste good and pricing is really reasonable. Try the citrus strawberry smoothie..cheap and good. heehee. All humans and dogs had their fare share of good food and fun ...

Was so tired, I actually slept at 9pm ...crashed totally...KO!

Monday:
Another day of friends coming together, to reminisce the dancing days. Working up my old and stiff bones...gotta learn a dance routine for a dance performance for some event...group of 6...Rise, Marilyn and a 2 other dance mates from 8 years ago. Jyun and Mar was over at my place practicing the entire day today. It's been 6 years since I last perform a dance at Singapore Street Festival... I was like..err... 22 years old then! OMG!!! Good thing Jyun is fast with picking up the dance steps from the given video...so it's easier for us all to learn faster... We're paid quite good money for this job...otherwise we wouldn't do it either.

Quite a long input today..there's alot more actually...about the FREEDOM party and some unpleasant issues with a several people...haiz...I'll save it for another time...

Light Of Hope

Just completed 20 episodes of Devil Beside You...

The ending is considered satisfactory...heehee...happy ending...that's right...

It really gives me a glimps and lightof hope that true love still exists...

I shall wait for the very momentous day...where that someone...the very one...the one and only...the right one...because I know...that day will come...

Yet Another Day

I'm happy today... cos the weather is fine...it's a beautiful day...and I managed to do lots of stuffs...do a little bit of work...vacuumed and mopped the entire house...wash the common toilet...showered Lush...spring clean my entire Purple Lounge (my room)...and did a little extra stuffs to it (see pics below). And it's already 1am now but I still feel awake. Blogging in my cosy little PurpleLounge as I'm listening to Dj Yukun's Ambient /Chillout mix ETERNAL MEMORIES. A very fulfilling day indeed.

Wanted to go for a jog in the evening but really no time lah... My room already took up like 6 hours of spring cleaning and modifying...partly also cos I was taking my own sweet time...heehee

There's really nothing much I can do to my room as yet. Feel like darkening the purple walls cos it's now violet...instead of the usual purple I like...but my parents are totally against it...hurr hurr...:( There's just too many things in my room lah... ARGH!!! No matter how much I discard everytime I spring clean every 1-2 months...seems like still the same as...2 years back! WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY STUFFS???!!! How I wish one day I would just go MAD and throw away everything!!! HAHAHA...AS IF I WOULD!!!

Come... let you have a peek of Purple Lounge...

Before: After:

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE!!! HAHA

There are really 5 differences:

1) Curtains at side of bed

2) Flowers on wall

3) Black Pillow-cases and bolster cases

4) Position of Strawberry Bolster

5) LUSH

oops there's 6 actually..

6) Spotlight on wall switched on

More Pics of Modified Purple Lounge:
(Model: Lush Teo)

My little cosy work corner:

View from outside of room:

That's all for today... time to go tuck in my bed and indulge in 2 episodes of my taiwan drama before I sleep. Am watching Devil Beside You now.. so sweet and so romantic..If only SingaBOREan men are like that... or maybe I should set up a "SingaBOREan Men MUST Watch Taiwan Drama" club...lol

I'll be busy from tomorrow onwards...took on a new sideline... sales and marketing of pet products... my ex boss from the pet cafe (Pawtobello) approached me to help her. Best thing is I'm paid basic but need not report to office. OTOT (own time own target) as long as I hit the sales quota. So officially start work tmr... hope all goes well...

Such Is Life - Fun Fun and More Fun...

Let's start with last Thursday...outing with V and J and my baby Lush to check out a few pet cafes, to celebrate Lush's and Bubu's birthday. V drove, so it was convenient to move around. We checked out Urban Pooch at Balestier Road and K-9 Culture and Turf City.Urban Pooch...was not up to my standard..maybe cos I used to work at Pawtobello...quite a reasonable variety of food for both dogs and humans,but pricing slightly on the higher side, which I feel it's a little too pricey for such non-airconditioned environment. On the other hand... I love K-9 Culture so much. Nice clean and price of food is reasonable. And US Doggy bakery is just next to the cafe...so you can get nice little treats and snacks for your doggy. Recommended.
I headed to Kenny's place with Lush for Mahjong Session with his new "SISTAs". I finally get to meet W and W's friend M and J. Nice and fun bunch of Sistas! Kenny says i'm a natural FAGHAG!!! LOL. Reached home at 4am...so late...

Then on Fri night. I joined Kenny at his work event at Cafe Del Mar (CDM), Superstar Summer. It was another eye-opener event. First time experiencing a really crowded CDM, flooded with topless, fit, hunky and good-looking AJs. DROOLING!!!! OMFG!!!WHY ARE THEY NOT STRAIGHT??? WHY AM I NOT GAY???!!! We had lots to drink and we all had fun...with Kenny and his colleagues and his friends...I AM JUST A NATURAL FAGHAG LAH!!!! Reached home at 5am...woke up the next day feeling like it was all a dream... lol..
Forgot to mention...I woke up the next day and found 4 lighters and 4 packs of condoms in my bag. LOL... they were distrubuting condom to promote whatever blah blah blah...and I think all of us were quite high and dunno what the hell we did..things ended up in my bag.. HOW COME I DIDN'T FIND EXTRA MONEY THEN? Like maybe 4 pieces of $50 note? or maybe 4 packs of Viceroy Ice??? haha oh well..now i have lots of condoms..heehee...

Sat...attended Roger's 10 years anniversary private party of being in showbiz...It was another eye-opener thing to me. First time see him sing and perform... and he invited a couple of drag queens and Abigail to perform as well...and all was recorded. Audience (which includes me and Jyun) had to go on stage for alittle shot that is to be included in the credits. It was a fun experience.
Ended the night with chilling session with my usual group (Jyun, BJ, Nana, Isaac) at Majestic Bar. I finally get to chill there and try their popular and always mentioned and spoken about chicken wings. I ordered passionate mango and lurve it...and was mocked by YK and working staffs there for sitting outside instead on indoors... enjoying the ever so hated heat...what to do...my peeps prefered outdoors...left at 1plus when we saw the sky kept on lighted up by lighting...non stop..it was scary at first... cos we've never seen such non-stop lightning and no sounds of thunder at all... reached home at 2am...hurr hurr...really drained and tired...and it started pouring and thundering heavily...the best moment to have a super duper power sleep!!!

SUNDAY IS SLEEP AND SLEEP AND SLEEP DAY!!!

TODAY...I have finally booked my final theory, and applied for cable tv...something that i've procrastinated for a couple of months!!!

Got to find out from one of my friend today... she was also involved with a married man and end up with nothing but hatred and hurt. Suppose to meet her today to exchange story but she couldn't make it at the very last minute. She's actually trying to take revenge to get back at the guy for the dreadful things he has done...I see no point in revenge by ruining his reputation or in any obvious manners that may hurt both parties even further... will definitely talk her out of revenge... cos I'm sure there's better way to do so...her verdict " Married men with itchy LJ and sweet mouth sucks big time"....and I totally agree with her...as of now...

Move On - from a friend Barry Tan

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See beyond immediate circumstances. Clear the decks of any old grievances. Learn from the past and move on by tapping into your inner resources of self-worth and humility. With honesty and commitment, softly let go and let others change. There are new horizons, new growth and a new lease of life.
*********************************************

Our beliefs are created out of our past experiences; the situations that we get ourselves into and the people that have crossed our paths. These beliefs shape our thoughts and our reactions now, in the present. And through this process, we create the reality we want to see, which further reinforce these beliefs that become the facts we strongly attached ourselves to.

Are we missing out on something here?
Have we actually become the very victims of our own reality and thus, our past?

See beyond immediate circumstances and challenge our beliefs.

Learn the lessons from the past and move on by tapping into your inner resources of self-worth and humility. When you clear these decks of old grievances, you are emptying vessels and more importantly, renewing your heart.

Change is eminent. With honesty and commitment, softly let go and allow others to change. When you move on, others around you move on too.

What better way to face the bigger reality of life and its tribulations than like one who sees new horizons, new growth and new opportunities all the time.

Unforgivable

What's unforgivable? The behaviour of some men... I mentioned SOME MEN, not ALL MEN ok.

V went on a date last night, with the young chap, Lwho picked us up at Mambo last wed. L was the one who dated her out, supposedly for dinner, and drinks at Boat Quay. But he arrived, underdressed (tshirt, berms and slippers) even later than V did, and better still, already had dinner, without informing V earlier. V had to starve till L arrive to have dinner, and to find out that he already had, and it was already 10pm. Fuming already. Nvm. V had to pay for the dinner, and his can of drink. V is still fine with this, cos she was the one eating. But L should at least have the decency to open up and pour out V's can of drink. He was simply indulging his drink in his own world. LOL.
They proceeded to Chillz for drinks and singing. They ordered a jug of beer, L drank like as though he is damn thirsty. V only drank 1 glass. When the bill came to him, he looked at the bill and looked at V and kept quiet, so V had to foot the bill with her credit card instead. And he didn't even say THANK YOU!!!
WTF. Xiao Bai Lian is so written all over his face. And instead of walking V to where she has to wait for her transport, he subconsiously led her to walk him to the MRT station instead. How nice... how gentlemen...how suave...
He was quite a gentleman and was quite suave when we met him at Zouk. Never would we expect him to be such a...Disgustingly Disastrous Guy (DDG, a new term by V).

Just So Unforgivable...

A has totally stopped contacting me. His dad is still calling me and msging me asking me how am I and why haven't been visiting him. Told him i was busy. I was actually mad with A, for what he has done to me. He knew I was hurt and... used... but yet all he can do to me is just totally not contact me. Is he doing this on purpose or is he really busy with getting over his shitty emo situation? I hate him so much...

cause leaving me the way you did was just so... Unforgivable...

But then again...at least I've woken up from this lesson...and no longer am foolishly letting him make use of me... will never believe his sweet nothings and hopeful words ever!

Your sweet nothings are deceiving...
But I won't Be made a fool...
Cause leaving me the way you did was just so... Unforgivable...

Another Tiring Weekend

This weekend wasn't busy or hectic. There wasn't any clubbing or partying involved. But was tiring cos of the blardy damn hot weather. But today's weather was really nice...it finally rained...with cold winds.

Due to some unforseen circumstances...the outdoor outing to Cafe Del Mar on Sat was cancelled. Alot of people last minute backed out... but then again the weather was scorching hot lah. I would have got darker and get myself more roasted if we still went ahead with the plan.

Went to a friend's wedding reception earlier today. It was held at Polo Club along upper thomson road. We used to hang out together during our primary school days, when we were 9 or 10 years old. A few others who hanged out together with us during those days were also at the reception. Haven met them for almost 15 years I suppose.
Amongst us, Vega is the only one who tied the knot, at the age of 28. Been with her bf since their Uni days, so it's almost equals to being together for about 8 years. The rest of us, including me, age ranging 26-28... are all single...hhmmm and I wonder why... haha.. Realised that alot rather stay single and enjoy singlehood and freedom, and not torture themselves with burden and responsibilities which might not reap them benefits but more disadvantages.

But sadly... many men has abused their authority... and the trust and friendship.... cos many men...never think with the right head! They think with the head down there and not the one up there!!! How practical and real right???!!!

Reminiscing the Poly Clubbing Days

During Poly days, together with V (who found me on Fb recently after losing contact for 7 years), we would go clubbing on any day. Even the night before exam, we would lose control and sneak out of my house (burning midnight oil at my place) and head to mhd sultan. Then it was Madam wong, The Page and Next Page and Samsara that we frequent. We would party like crazy and make sure we go home happy.

Yeah, just the 2 of us. A girls night out last night (ladies night), after so many years. But this time round... we had to choose places where either we will feel comfortable with (knowing the music and crowd), or places where there are lesser Young Girls. LOL last time we have to worry about age limit...now we're worrying about... over age limit? LOL

We've not been out in the partying scene for too long so not too sure bout the music they play at the clubs. So after slupring our free drinks at Zirca, we finally ended up at Mambo cos we're sure about the songs they play. And also ended up getting picked up by 22 year old boi bois... all thanks to V, for being seh aka looking bored. LOL. These 2 young bois are so eager and so enthusiastic! They know we're older than them but chose not to guess our age. haha. So younger bois liking older gals is still a trend. LOL.

I've already changed my image by changing my hairstyle so that i'll look my age or close to my age, and hopefully get picked up by the right guys...But why am I still getting picked up by much younger bois??!!! ARGH!!! And they thought I'm 25...how nice... but scary time flies so quickly I'm nearing 30 alrdy. DAMN!!!

Will slowly monitor what these young chaps want from older plus sized girls. haha. I think I can start writing a book titled "What Men Really Are and What They Want." I'm am gathering more information and would like to conduct interviews too. wahahah. We shall see...

Calmly Observe - (Shared by my friend Barry Tan)

If you calmly observe, you will more clearly see situations for what they really are.

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How many times when we have allowed our past experiences and paradigms to demarkate and judge our present moments?

To do this is to almost experience life in a well. Like that folk tale of a frog that lives in a well, only knowing that the sky is as big as the mouth of the well. Could you imagine the number of opportunities that you could have not seen or could have missed out, because of a paradigmed and conditioned mindset?

Free your mind. Free your mind and allow a non-judgemental awareness to take over. To calmly observe is to observe in the mind of a new-born baby, To see and judge every predictament or situation with an unbiased point-of-view. In this way, you will allow yourself to see situations for what they really are.

Do know that there's always two sides to a coin; and a flipside to every situation, problem or occurence? A Yin-Yang example of opposites and underlying meanings. Could there have been a lesson that you could have rejoiced about?

Emo Tuesday... so much things going on in my mind!!!

As if things are not bad enough.
As of it is...things has already gotten to such a drastic and embarrassing situtation... to the point of...no return I suppose? I dunno..let's just see how things goes with his side. But bottom line...I know I shouldn't believe him anymore...or even put in any effort to impress anymore. Just sit back and FUCK CARE!!!

And as for C's side... he might just want a rollercoaster ride instead of a romantic ride on the ferris wheel. How sad right, and he's such a good catch! We got along so well and felt so comfortable with each other. But he only believe in THE RIGHT ONE...so I guess... it's too early to tell if I'm his RIGHT ONE...or simply just not. But then again I also need to find out if he is My Right One. Cos I also believe in finding THE RIGHT ONE...

Is there no more decent guy out there? Is there no such thing as a decent date anymore??!!! Or am I just simply meeting all the wrong men??!! Why do I always end up getting myself into shitty situations???!!!

I just want a decent date... a decent romantic date. Like a dinner and movie date. A stroll at ECP or just cruising in his car around SingaBore listening to Class 95 or Lush 99.5. Just pureply decent and no SEX mentioned!!! Is it that hard??!!! Is sex really so important or the only thing men think about???!!! Of cos with someone reasonable, dun throw me a geek or someone I have totally no interest in. I'd rather stay home and cry over my taiwan drama.

Feeling really down and emo lately... the fact that I've been always learning and listening about how difficult it is to find true love... and many real and disgusting facts about some men ( I meant some...cos I know there are still good men around but limited edition). All these information are good in a way... but it's just really draining me to know about such sad facts... facts that I have to absorb and eventually accept them.

I'm feeling horrible... I need to quickly do something to pick up the pieces!!!
I think I should clean up my room tmr to make me feel better... and go out on a girl's nite out on a wed night. I hate this feeling!!! ARGH!!!

Taiwan / Korean / Japanese Drama Vs Life In Reality

Now I finally came to realise and understand why people loves watching all these drama series.

I've been lately indulging in some Taiwan drama series. Can't find true love in real life right? So no choice but to indulge in drama series. And also somehow still keeps me believing that True Love does exist. Oh well... I almost thought there's very slight possibilities of finding true love.

Surrounded by too many divorce cases and 2nd marriage cases. Surrounded by men who are womanizers esp at the prime age of 30-40.
I'll talk more about this topic later...not now...

I just wanna say... I can only find love and comfort by watching taiwan drama now.
How sad right... hahaha

It's Been Really Long...

It's really been really long (1 and 1/2 year) since I last updated this peaceful serenity...

Too much things been going on, so much to the point of changing a few perceptions and principles of life, which also caused a little character change. There's so much going on in my mind...so much that it's overflowing...so guess it's time to list them down before I go crazy!!!

Time really flies, just a blink of the eye and it's now coming to an end of April 2009. One third of the year flew past just like that.

Am I still the same old me? I questioned myself numerous times.
Part of me still exists, but part of me evanesced too....

I managed to catch up with many old friends lately....over the past 1 and 1/2 year of missing in action. Friends from 12 years ago... IJ mates... CYF mates... ex bfs...Poly mates....
And also got to know many new friends...and made good friends too...

Along this combination of negative n positive, yet bizarre journey, I've picked up so much that has opened up and broadened my mindset and perspection of life, friends, especially Men. Not that I'm trying to pick on men...but I realised that lately, I have found out and learnt so much... so much that it scares me... so much that I'm starting to fear marriage or even getting into a commited relationship... so much that... I'm seeing almost the same characteristics in many men! My eyes has finally opened up!!! And I'm sure there's much more to be discovered!!! OM MY!!! I hope I can handle all these. I am going to discover, which part of me, my heart or my mindset, or just simply me myself and I, that is helping me hang in there and keep being strong and overcome whatever WEIRD WEIRD OBSTACLES I have been encountering!!!

DAMN LIFE!!!! IT'S SO DIFFICULT ON ME!!!! WHY SO???!!!! But yet I'm enjoying and appreciating every single moment! I'm indulging in both the happiness and sadness!
I've learnt to soak in the sun, absorbing all the sunshine and exhuberant energy of the sun!
I've learnt to enjoy outdoor activities and appreciating the natural mother nature surrounding me.
I've learnt to spend wisely...well of cos based on the situation I've been in for the past 3 years never allowed me to splurge...so I guess it's good thing.
I've learnt to become a Xiao Nu Ren (not as Da Nu Ren as before) and more submissive now. And even learnt to be very patient and caring towards the elders.
I'm forseeing that I'm in for more weird happenings and obstacles... am I really just suay??? or this is just life???!!!

This is just the beginning of my nagging and bragging of how sucky my life is....more to come....